I am going to be 35 years old tomorrow. Seriously, are you fucking kidding me? Which really means 40 and then death. Hold on…I’m having a panic attack now. Middle aged. Me. No way.
You will be wiser in your older years, I hear all of the time. Who? That hasn’t happened for me. It’s getting worse. I am getting dumber. I can’t do second grade math to help my children and I can’t hear as well, so I have to nod my head like I hear you, but I don’t. I may be agreeing to doing a line of cocaine in the bathroom and not even know it. ( which I have never done btw). And don’t ask me about good judgment please. Rather than telling my children a song on the radio is not appropriate, I crank it up like I’m Vanilla Ice in the early 90s because it makes me feel good. No oldies music in my car like I was tortured with as a child…or worse, jazz music.
Speaking of music, I just went to my first country music concert this weekend. I didn’t know any of the songs, but it was a great time. Last time I went to that concert venue it was to see 50 cent and Lil’ jon and the East Side Boyz, which as I ‘m saying this, makes me sound like that 45 year old beach blonde bartender who won’t give it up and thinks T-Pain is singing about her ( which would have been me by the way if I didn’t meet my husband).
There are other things that I am noticing that have slowly snuck up on me. For example, old lady skinny ass. The kind where you see a somewhat in shape mom from the front and then they turn around and you are like…uh, and you can’t quite figure out if it’s a nice butt or not because it kind of sags, but not really…, but it still doesn’t look right. I know confusing. Here, let me help you, it’s like when you try to make 2 sunny side up eggs and one of them always kind of runs off a little to the side and the other one is perfect. Yea, I’m starting to get real paranoid about that. I am also finding myself staring at peoples smile lines and thinking that mine are deeper, which makes me cringe when I try to take a selfie because my smile lines look like butt cracks on my face, so rather than taking a selfie, I just want to punch myself in the face for wearing SPF 4 for most of my life.
Which, by the way I hate the selfie stick. I hate it. I just realized what the hell a selfie stick was while I was in Mexico 2 weeks ago. There was selfie sticks everywhere. There is something wrong with this country if you’re carrying around a giant stick in the air and waving it around like you just don’t care, especially with tons of people right by you. I was seriously concerned about getting knocked unconscious by one from people whipping them out everywhere. I only went unconscious one time in 2005, and that was while dancing on a bar in a nightclub while a bartender was swinging on a ceiling swing and whose ass slapped me off the bar like I owed it money. Explaining that to the emergency room doctor was only slightly embarrassing.
But I do suppose it’s not all bad. Like I haven’t fallen off of a bar recently.I don’t freak out as fast at things like swine flu and likes on Facebook. I am slightly calmer. In fact, I may have panicked more at turning 25. I bought wrinkle cream the day I turned 25. ( I just wished I used it now so that I wouldn’t have butt crack smile lines). Tomorrow instead of face cream, I am going to buy a big fat pizza. (Ok, well I’m not going to buy it, probably my husband…but) Because Fuck it. It’s only going to get worse so why not enjoy it. There is nothing that I can do, so I will eat a box of cookies at 10pm if I feel like it or jam with the windows down at an embarrassing level because I want to enjoy this life. I want to show my kids how to enjoy their lives at any age. I want to teach my kids to laugh at themselves and smile often. I want to teach them balance because I didn’t always understand that like 3 drinks is plenty and not 20. I want them to be proud of their bodies and of their minds. I will try to do my best to raise them correctly. I will attend as many games, meets, competitions as I can. I will get a tutor for myself so that I can teach second grade math. I will listen to them and help them, because I probably have done it before…or thought it before. I will remind them that they cannot sneak out of the house because I will have hired a security guard. I will not believe them if I find them on the front stoop at 2am when they tell me they needed some fresh air and got locked out, instead of sneaking out with them. I will make sure I buy hearing aids before they tell me that they want to try a line of cocaine in the bathroom.
I want to be a good wife without being an old wife. I want to still remember how to have fun in my marriage and put it as a priority. I want to be able to talk about everything forever. I don’t want to stop communicating. I don’t want to stop loving. I want to play like we did when we were younger.
And as you get older you learn how to fight for things, rather than walking away from things. You learn that people who you love start fading out of your life, so you remember what is more important than things that are not. You try again. You will walk again. You have learned that things don’t always happen right the first time and that just when you thought you had it together, you absolutely fucking don’t. But you get through it because you have to, and you don’t need a selfie stick to do it…you just need to believe in yourself no matter how old you are because that is beautiful all by itself.