“Holy shit. I’m 34 now,” was my first thought this morning. “I’m going to die soon.” Well, I could die soon. That American Idol contestant from 2008 just died from a blood clot in his ankle at the age of 35. My body is going to shut down, like my humility because I will probably start picking my nose at red lights not giving a shit whose watching, but hopefully not eating it after. It hasn’t happened yet, but with other weird things that have been happening, like not wearing makeup everyday, I would not completely shut off the possibility of it.
Yes, it’s true. I don’t know what has gotten into me. I have been plastering foundation on my face since I started watching Kimmy on Full House for TGIF night. I couldn’t wait to be old enough to look skanky. But, now it’s almost like just another thing I have to do a day. Really? I mean neighborhood children have considered intervening to let me know that Halloween is still a couple months away. But that wouldn’t change me. It’s somewhat freeing actually. It may potentially be more scary than when I hit 30 and bought khaki pants for the sole purpose to wear them with tennis shoes. What’s next year? Tigger and Pooh T-shirts for a Saturday night date with my husband…or I hope I get a blood clot before that would ever happen.
What else? Well, I have started going bra-less more often. Since they are less like the dough (pre) rolled and more like the raspberry on top of a chocolate cake, I can perhaps do it easier, but it is still quite a change. There was a time in my life that I have been known to wear two bras and jelly inserts to emphasize that part of my body..and now..well, let the raspberries ripen and call it a day. If ya don’t like it,, too bad…there is also something called “look left” so you don’t have to see it.
I’ll tell you what I won’t do though. I will not go to full coverage underwear yet. Will not happen…besides getting divorce papers from my husband, having a string up my ass seems more appealing than a huge clump of it riding into it. No thanks. If it means showing up to the hospital wearing a leopard thong over a diaper than so be it (refer to “Crossing the Border without ID), at least I’m still trying.
That’s right, I’m not ready to give up yet. And although I bought Khakis to wear with tennis shoes, four years ago, I may have actually worn that out in public only twice and have quickly resolved the issue since then, going back to mini skirts. But, I will say that I had somewhat of an epiphany on my birthday eve. Whereas I used to appreciate the hot wardrobe selections of waitresses or bartenders in trendy spots, images of my daughters starting flashing like lightning bolts to my eyeballs. Every girl that had a half shirt on, had an imaginary photo-shopped head of my daughters attached to them, and I began freaking out a little. OMG. My eldest daughter will be ten in less than a year, and this could very well soon be her, like it had been me…and then what? What if I become a granny at 40? OK…breathe.
Because the separation of age is closing in tight just like when you hit 30 and you think marrying a 50 year old is fine because really “age is only a number” and the gap closes, regardless of the fact that you could potentially be banging the age of your father. So how I walk around in the world is going to be a lot more relatable as they get older, and I need to pay attention to that.
Oh, I don’t know, maybe I am getting ahead of myself. My children all still believe in Santa Clause so why start boiling the potatoes before I have peeled them and assuming they are going to be boy crazy sluts. It may not happen, but I am not getting any younger and neither are they…
Anyway, I got off topic…34 is definitely going to be as awesome as going bra-less ,and I do plan on doing a lot with this number. I want to laugh more. I want to stop taking life so serious when something very little hasn’t gone as planned. I want to stop letting negative people run my life and learn that life is just simply better without. I want to stop believing that because what I think is right is not right for someone else. I want to remember that I cannot change another, nor should I try. I can only offer support and wait when they are ready without judgment. I want to live more in the moment instead of dwelling on what I have to do three hours from then, because the time is going so fast, and I just don’t want to regret the laughs I could have shared with my family, but was too stressed to care. I want to write….I want to use what I am good at instead of letting it dwindle down into something I “could have” been or did..and who cares if no one likes it, because it isn’t for them, it is for me. I am the one that closes my own eyes at night to sink into my own thoughts. Therefore, if I don’t try to continue to live the way that I want to live and be who I want to be to teach my children, so they can teach theirs, than I am the one that has to live with it, as well as my children that would preface my memory after I’m gone as “she could have, but didn’t”, and that is not what I have been set here to be….
Be True, be you.