Uplifting and comical…a look at my life, motherhood and the circus that goes with it

amusement parkMy family and I went on a fabulous outing last week to our City’s amusement park.  Nobody fought with each other, everyone smiled the majority of the day (except for the moments before my six year old fell asleep on a park bench like a homeless person). But seriously, the enthusiasm and excitements on their faces were an incredible joy to experience…in fact, the exact opposite of what we experienced when going to Disney World. If I would have known they were going to be happier 20 miles away from home, we would have saved the $7,000 plus dollars on the misery during Disney. (at select park locations… )

…but that wasn’t the only difference in comparison to the Fabulous Walt Disney World….who knew that being accustomed to seeing beautiful Disney characters everywhere could have such a scarring effect when you are suddenly away from there and surrounded by the 2014 version of the “Garbage Pail Kids” LIVE garbage pail kidsat your local “Disney” spot. It’s brutal, and quite honestly I do not understand it. The outfit choices and lack of showering choices were uncanny and revolting, although the appeal to keep watching like it was the new “Frozen” was also profound. The best people watching ever….not to mention feeling like a true Disney princess myself after leaving the place.

…So I wondered if the there was actually a dress code under the policies and regulations, and sure enough there was, so I decided to make a few notations next to, so you can have an idea of what the public interpretation of the dress code meant…and then I decided to add a few rules to it myself……




”  In keeping with a family-friendly environment, the Park does not allow clothing which is too revealing of one’s body, or which would tend to be offensive to others. Does this mean that the 900 bikini tops used as shirts through the park is not revealing? I’m confused.  This includes the following rules:

  • Shirts covering the belly,(bikini tops, halter tops for size of barbie doll placed on not the size of a barbie doll, mesh shirts, no shirts, white-t-shirts soaked from water rides emulating white T-shirt contests…in fact, I started to play “I Spy” more nipples) and shoes, are required at all times.  All “private” body areas must be appropriately covered. (once again the nipple problem).   The Park does not allow baggy/sagging pants or other clothing which reveals underwear, the pelvis area, or the buttocks. (butt cracks of all sizes are welcome to viewing, especially any middle-aged woman looking to reveal their g-string while eating pizza, back turned to all children under the age of ten for viewing). For water rides or water-play structures (if applicable), appropriate bathing suits must be worn (or just leave it on the entire day like it is a waterpark only) (e.g., no thong or “Brazilian” style bathing suits, nipple “pasties,” bikini tops which only cover the nipple area (preferred choice) and expose the breast, mesh or see-through clothing,(without a bathing suit underneath) nor tight or revealing brief-style suits for men).(didn’t see this, thank god).   
  • For safety reasons and to prevent property damage to rides and attractions, the Park must prohibit cut-off jeans,(hundreds of these) denim shorts,(JORTS?) clothing with metal rivets or spikes, metal fasteners or buckles, or belts.  Shoes of any kind are not allowed on any water slide or tube rides.(MAKE SURE YOU WEAR YOUR TENNIS SHOES ON THE WATER RIDES SO WHEN YOU WALK PAST, the people all around you, can hear you slushing through the park wearing your 1980 reebox).
  • The Park must prohibit any jewelry which may pose a hazard to the rider, other guests, to the rides, or other property.  Prohibited items may include bulky, protruding or dangling jewelry (belly chains welcome) (e.g., large hoop earrings which could snag on something, (EARRING PIC?????????)  long necklaces which can pose a strangulation hazard, bulky rings, piercings which could snag and tear a person’s flesh (however, lip chains, ear lobe gages the size of a woman’s vagina during childbirth…belly rings, lip rings and tongue rings are not included in this), etc.).
  • Masks, horror costumes (the lady in the sparkle tutu skirt is not considered a costume, but a fashion trend for locating purposes), or Halloween-style attire is not permitted….raccoon hat.(the man wearing the raccoon hat in 85 degrees is not his “furry convention” Halloween costume…it’s just him on a normal 85 degree day, so just ignore that).  We do not permit clothing which depicts violence of blood spatter.
  • Appropriate “public” clothing.  No pajamas, bath robes, lingerie, indoor slippers, costumes of any kind, etc. (once again the family wearing the Kermit the Frog T-shirts were not dressing up, they just forget after 30 years what their family members look like as soon as they stand next to more than 4 people…therefore, another locating tactic).
  • No vulgar or offensive tattoos, (your mom’s a bitch …written as a tramp stamp is no different than Chinese writing that says the same thing….apparently).. statements or artwork on clothing.  This includes curse words, depictions of sexual acts or nudity, depictions or messages of violence, and racially or religiously divisive/hateful  material.
  • No gangland clothing, hand-signs, “colors,” or tattoos.


My own rules:

  1. Shower
  2. Deodorant
  3. Go bra shopping first to make sure the girls are tied up correctly for those pesky upside rides.
  4. Belts
  5. Laundry Detergent is useful, Target has them on sale a lot.
  6. They make bookbags now so you don’t have to use a belly bag that you can’t find underneath your sweatshirts that seem somehow necessary for 80 degrees.
  7. Please do not throw gummy bears at a sleeping child on a park bench. They are not hungry, even though they look homeless laying there. (By the way, screw you jerkoff for doing that…buy a shirt that fits you scumbag).
  8. Toothpaste
  9. Brush
  10. Razor….

(Note: with these additional tips, you can become a Disney prince or princess yourself, but without it, you will be a trading card for the repulsive).

Epilogue: While I do support self- expression, creativity and trends…you also have to fit somewhat into this society to avoid being offensive to others, such as refusing to smell like a flower. Loving yourself as you are is fantastic…but what you have to remember in this world is…not everyone will love you back…especially if you wear a TUTU at 35 years old or are trying to mate usually only pheromones instead of Degree… Food for thought.


Be true, be you and save the tutu2…Tutus for your husband and/or baby daddy on a Saturday night.


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