When I became a mom, I also developed an identity crisis. I wasn’t sure how to merge my two worlds of being a role model for my daughter and still wanting to drive fast cars and “live life on the edge”, if you will. At the age of 24, unmarried and uninterested in being tied down to the house eating bon bons, I still had the desire to get out, get crazy and simply forget that I was a mom at all. And than I would feel guilty and ashamed that knowing what I was doing was wrong, but the truth was, I wasn’t grown up myself to stop the cycle.
But I walked around like I knew what I was doing, feeling as though I was loving my daughter completely, taking care of her needs, deciding that I wasn’t one person over the other. That I could be both people at the same time, not really seeing that in reality the two worlds cannot coexist. Because on a regular basis when it was go time for going out with my “girls”, dressing up like “scandal” was branded on my body, I dropped the other world completely, not even for a moment considering that just because my daughter wasn’t with me, it didn’t mean that I wasn’t responsible for her even when I wasn’t there.
Somehow I missed that, and quite honestly still do at times. Let’s speak the truth. Sometimes, we just want out…not out of our life, not out as a mother, but an escape for just a couple hours, couple minutes, to regroup and remember who we are too. Sure, the job to be nurturing, loving, mentoring and forgiving is something that we all willingly accept when our title changes to mom, but an internal struggle will always remain that we weren’t always that, so we don’t want to lose sight of the pieces of ourselves that we once were. Unfortunately, those missing puzzle pieces are not always healthy, safe, nor pieces that will fit the puzzle at this point in our lives.
So we need to find ways to alter them. Some of us just accept the new and forget the past, never looking back and are OK with that. Some are grateful that they never have to go back. And some of us, like myself, feel threatened that the other part of us no longer exists and it is scary. Perhaps, I can simply embrace and accept that I can still have the old me with the new me, but just dressing it down a little. Maybe just learning to accept that a little is just enough…that I don’t have to lay in the sun to be 20 shades darker, that perhaps two shades is good enough to avoid skin cancer one day so that I can be around for my children.
…It’s about changing the way that we think. That “me” time can still exist with mom, and realizing that we won’t always get that time, but when we do it is bittersweet. Perhaps it shouldn’t be a once a day thing, or once a week event…that in small glimpses when it does occur, we can appreciate both sides of our worlds better and a better balance with blossom. A summer glow is just as fantastic as char-coaled, maybe even better.
…Because it isn’t always about the escape plan away from the chaos in our worlds to live free in a pre-children lifestyle. Maybe its just about reconnecting with ourselves, so we that we can connect better with the ones that we care about. It’s about recognizing the shift in priorities, and when there is silence, the thoughts can navigate to find these priorities away from the battlefield at home…but done without losing sight that there are others that we are also responsible for waiting for us to come back….
…to teach them that yes, who you are as a person doesn’t just come from one place or one title. It is absolutely all of the end pieces of the puzzle, mixed with the center pieces to mold one beautiful picture. The puzzle would never be complete if you cut the corners from connecting with the inner ones….it’s just a matter of making sure they all fit correctly in place…. to complete it….
Be true, be you and balance your life.