Uplifting and comical…a look at my life, motherhood and the circus that goes with it


So tell me something. When your nine year old daughter tells you that she puts socks down her shirt to implant her own chest the way a nine year old surgeon would, is your life over? What’s next? Lipstick blow jobs at 12? I know I know…that might be over the top and offensive, but whose to say that it doesn’t happen? Girls are getting their periods earlier and earlier because of hormones placed in food, they say. Hormones mean periods, periods means sex and sex means, I am absolutely not ready to talk about that maybe ever with her. Although, if I want to stop rearing babies after 40, than perhaps I better start saddling up and bring out my birth control maps, with an index reading “South pole closed for the season, to open never”.

So what I want to tell her is that sex as a teenager is lame. Period. It’s not worth it. When two people just start planking on top of each other with a pump race as slow as a snail, there is nothing exciting about this, so don’t do it. Unfortunately, that could potentially make the conversation even more awkward, losing the little respect that I may still have had, resulting in a teen mom episode anyway.

…And, I thought that arguing over bedtimes was difficult. Tomorrow, I’ll be fighting her about inappropriate text messages to a boy telling him where her naughty place is. Drug me now because I cannot fathom the anxiety that is about to hit my household in the next few years. I’m screwed. I can hear it now, “why are there like 10 hairs down there” and she will have counted them because that is what we all did, and now even talking about it, I want to die.

Can I just turn back time and remember what it was like to cuddle her little chunky cheeks..Image when the only hair I had to worry about was the receding hairline on her head after childbirth? What about those days? Can’t I have those days back? This sucks.

She’s growing up. There is no way around it. I suppose I can only continue to just teach her what I do know and that is safety, gut feelings and to just please don’t be around me when you are going to act like a total bitch during PMS. I can tell her to focus on school, focus on her friends, but her ten hairs are probably going to be searching for more, and I have to respect that (on a rated “G” level of course).

…and I gather that communication is key. I need to keep asking questions even when she starts to shut me out because she needs to know that I am not going to shut her out in response…to be on top of things without being a helicopter mom, but I do know that I won’t catch everything, nor should I expect to. So with that being said, respecting that hormones do mean periods and periods do mean sex, but to also respect my daughter that she will know what is right because of what I have taught her and the respect for herself that I have been implanting into her for years like she does with her yellow tie dye socks.


Be true, be you and lord help me!!





Comments on: "Stuffing bras..or lack thereof." (1)

  1. Yikes! I think that’s one of the hardest topics to discuss to a little girl. I don’t know how you are going to do it? I have 2 boys…I’m teaching my 3 1/2 year old that girls are the same as boys(they can jump off the couch too and like cars) but don’t be as rough when giving hugs(he tends to do a tackle hug) and they like to have privacy on the toilet(his friend that comes over is a girl and she likes her space when on the toilet).
    I’m hoping to raise respectable little gentlemen. But I’m dreading the conversation…masturbating….Yesterday, he just pulled it out and yelled “mommy look! A rocket ship”. I almost died. Parenting is tough.

    I still can’t believe that she knows about implants. What a sponge!!


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