Uplifting and comical…a look at my life, motherhood and the circus that goes with it

Image

1. You are shit crazy.  Whether it is because you are always yelling at people or because you are so isolated with the children, you will begin telling complete strangers that you wax your vagina.

2. You will cry over anything at any moment. In the past you hated other peoples kids, now you cry if other peoples kids stub their toe.

3. In the same token, you will want to start meeting other peoples’ kids in the parking lot if they are mean to your kids.

4. You are no longer cool. Ever. And even more so when you nominate yourself as the third back up dancer in your daughters and friends dance routines.

5. Your children will outwardly say they look up to everyone else but you, but secretly look up to no one but you…so you should probably start running your life as such.

6. Money has stopped growing on trees, and in fact, has stopped growing completely.

7. You begin yelling at your children to take shorter showers because of water bills…something that you always despised as a child, and never said you would complain about.

8. It’s not important that they are potty trained, but WHERE they are potty trained…example, your kids treating your neighbors bushes as a rest stop.

9. You will become an addict. Coffee, sugar or cleaning. Start looking for meetings.

10. Anger management classes are booked as your after school activity.

11. Time will have stopped for you and when you are ready to revisit a “mom makeover”, it’s like you are stepping back to junior year of high school because you stopped shopping for clothes a looooong time ago.

12. ….or you will try to squeeze into your daughter’s clothes, looking even more ridiculous in pink and purple sparkles on your jean pockets.

13. Everything becomes a competition, even if you are not participating….you are competing, I assure you…kids events or birthday party favors….competing…whether you like it or not.

14. You leave the house without makeup not caring. Something that when you actually did look good, you would have never done…now that you don’t look so good, makeup is optional.

15. Your once decisive, confident self becomes indecisive about everything and worrying constantly.

16. You are willing, ready and able to give up anything that you thought you couldn’t live without prior to children, if it means for the betterment of your children.

17. You will learn that you can get through anything at any moment without any notice.

18. You will have at least one new illness for every year that your child or children live with you.

19. With that being said, the stomach virus is as much of a present family member as your grandparents at Thanksgiving dinner.

20. You will be the most annoying mom at a sporting event (refer to past blog post).

21. You will have nothing to talk about besides talking about your children. They run your life even without physical presence.

22. Pooping conversations are just as relevant as “did you brush your teeth?”

23. Once you have seen poop that is not your own poop every day for nine years, you sound like a gynecologist…”once you’ve seen one, you’ve seen em all.” (that’s when you know you’ve hit rock bottom).

24. You will never know what unconditional love is until you become a mom.

25. You may wonder what life would be like hadn’t you been a mom, but simultaneously ,would never want to find out either because there is truly nothing better…except maybe being able to pee by yourself again.

Happy Mother’s Day 2014!

 

 

 

Advertisements

Comments on: "What being a Mom has taught me…" (2)

  1. Love it!
    Especially #23

    Like

    • Thank you! Isn’t it so funny that poop is like an everyday topic no matter what. Never would I thought this was the case! Nobody tells you that when you get pregnant! LOL. Glad you enjoyed!

      Like

Leave a comment! I'd love to see what you think!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

ultimatemindsettoday

A great WordPress.com site

Tales from the Mommy Trenches

The life of a former attorney turned SAHM

Ben's Bitter Blog

"We make bitter better."

momaste

the mom in me bows to the mom in you

So Here's Us...

life on the raggedy edge.

My thoughts on a page.

Living, Laughing, Loving, Loathing.

A Walk on the Wild Side

For those who love addicts

Honey Did you See That?

I retired at 50 something, returned to North America and began blogging. All posts are 100% true, except when they're not funny enough, or when I can't remember the details. Menopause is heartless. Huge thanks to my comic book writing son, Matt, my Header designer.

Peas and Cougars

If real life were a cartoon, I would be a triangle, which is probably better than being a square.

mommytrainingwheels

Ramblings of a sleep-deprived mother

%d bloggers like this: