1. You are shit crazy. Whether it is because you are always yelling at people or because you are so isolated with the children, you will begin telling complete strangers that you wax your vagina.
2. You will cry over anything at any moment. In the past you hated other peoples kids, now you cry if other peoples kids stub their toe.
3. In the same token, you will want to start meeting other peoples’ kids in the parking lot if they are mean to your kids.
4. You are no longer cool. Ever. And even more so when you nominate yourself as the third back up dancer in your daughters and friends dance routines.
5. Your children will outwardly say they look up to everyone else but you, but secretly look up to no one but you…so you should probably start running your life as such.
6. Money has stopped growing on trees, and in fact, has stopped growing completely.
7. You begin yelling at your children to take shorter showers because of water bills…something that you always despised as a child, and never said you would complain about.
8. It’s not important that they are potty trained, but WHERE they are potty trained…example, your kids treating your neighbors bushes as a rest stop.
9. You will become an addict. Coffee, sugar or cleaning. Start looking for meetings.
10. Anger management classes are booked as your after school activity.
11. Time will have stopped for you and when you are ready to revisit a “mom makeover”, it’s like you are stepping back to junior year of high school because you stopped shopping for clothes a looooong time ago.
12. ….or you will try to squeeze into your daughter’s clothes, looking even more ridiculous in pink and purple sparkles on your jean pockets.
13. Everything becomes a competition, even if you are not participating….you are competing, I assure you…kids events or birthday party favors….competing…whether you like it or not.
14. You leave the house without makeup not caring. Something that when you actually did look good, you would have never done…now that you don’t look so good, makeup is optional.
15. Your once decisive, confident self becomes indecisive about everything and worrying constantly.
16. You are willing, ready and able to give up anything that you thought you couldn’t live without prior to children, if it means for the betterment of your children.
17. You will learn that you can get through anything at any moment without any notice.
18. You will have at least one new illness for every year that your child or children live with you.
19. With that being said, the stomach virus is as much of a present family member as your grandparents at Thanksgiving dinner.
20. You will be the most annoying mom at a sporting event (refer to past blog post).
21. You will have nothing to talk about besides talking about your children. They run your life even without physical presence.
22. Pooping conversations are just as relevant as “did you brush your teeth?”
23. Once you have seen poop that is not your own poop every day for nine years, you sound like a gynecologist…”once you’ve seen one, you’ve seen em all.” (that’s when you know you’ve hit rock bottom).
24. You will never know what unconditional love is until you become a mom.
25. You may wonder what life would be like hadn’t you been a mom, but simultaneously ,would never want to find out either because there is truly nothing better…except maybe being able to pee by yourself again.
Happy Mother’s Day 2014!