Uplifting and comical…a look at my life, motherhood and the circus that goes with it

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Listen, I come from a place where I don’t think that I ever understood what being in a relationship meant. Sometimes, it has been my fault, and sometimes, clearly, it has not been my fault, but going into the marriage I have today, I have learned a lot through my spouse for what it takes to maintain and continue on with a healthy marriage and an understanding what being in a relationship means.

As a little girl and moving on into my teenage years, experiencing two very different interpretations of what a relationship was about, it became very confusing over what symbolized those red flags and what is, in fact, a healthy response to a situational experience in the relationship.

Only being five years in with the man that I chose to marry, here is a list of 15 things that have helped me discover what a marriage should mean to me and what steps need to be taken to get to that place of marital peace.

 

  1. There’s no “I” in team; therefore there should be no “I ” in marriage. Venturing off to do whatever you want, with complete disregard for the other is living an “Im single” life in a marriage. The other one will be left behind feeling unimportant in your life; therefore disrespected.

  2. Stop competing with one another. When my first child was born, I used to literally write down the time slots that I had to spend alone with my daughter and compare it to his. Nothing says unhealthy than being more worried about a childlike “fairness” graph, than spending time with your child. It’s not about a competition, it’s about helping each other.

  3. Date each other­-If you never go out, you will feel disconnected to each other, you will forget what you used to enjoy doing with each other outside of the house, and you will never feel like your own unit apart from the children.

  4. Have sex—a man’s reinforcement that he is doing well in his marriage, is when you have sex with him. Shutting that off will either make him resent you, or find it somewhere else. Therefore, if he cheats, and you aren’t giving up the goods, both are to blame.

  5. Don’t let stubbornness win—your ego is not as important as resolving the conflict to help your marriage grow. Marriage is not a reflection of being vain, it’s about taking down your guard to make you more self aware in marital conflicts.

  6. Shave your vagina—unless he’s into finding a lion through the high grass, groom yourself. At least once a week. It won’t kill you, and it will make you feel hotter after prancing around in sweatpants and un-showered for a day and a half. Find your sexy again.

  7. Stop doing things out of resentment—If you know that your spouse likes his clothes hung up immediately after being washed. Just do it, and don’t hate him for it. I am sure there are many things that you ask of him (like having a job so you don’t have to ), that he does because he loves you. Embrace that, don’t reject it.

  8. Stop involving your friends in your marital problems—no one needs to know all the inner workings of your life, otherwise you would have married your friends. Also, keep in mind that your friends do not love your spouse like you do; therefore, when you make up with your spouse, your friends can’t make the switch that easy.

  9. Take away “his” or “her” jobs and make them family jobs—stop sitting on your ass while your husband is mowing the grass and see where you can help outside. Same should be for the one that doesn’t always clean the house. You aren’t going to die if you throw a load of laundry in for your wife either because she just spent 15 other hours in the week doing the other loads. Help each other.

  10. Watch your manners- Just because you are married, doesn’t give you the right to start ordering your spouse around. Nobody wants to be married to a dictator, so if you need him to pick up child #1 because you have to pick up child #2, than ask him, don’t tell him.

  11. Have a kids dinner table—family dinners are stressful mostly because young children can complain the entire time. Once in a while stick them in the kitchen to eat together and go eat in the dining room with your spouse. Dinners are about reconnecting, and reconnecting with your spouse without being interrupted is fantastic. Try it.

  12. Random acts of kindness—The world talks about this whether it be buying the person’s coffee in the car behind you or leaving a gift card on a car in the parking lot during Christmas. Why not do it to your spouse? How surprised would they be if you bought something for them and it comes across on the doorstop in the mail…or giving his car a car wash inside and out when you use it? You will be surprised at how appreciative they will be.

  13. Remember the agreement—It is okay at some point to start going after goals that you always wanted to tackle but couldn’t in the past; however, you can’t decide that you’ve always wanted to be an actor, so you pack and move to LA, leaving your family behind waiting for your big break. The agreement is what you both decided getting into a marriage and goals for a family. These should not come at expense for your personal ventures.

  14. Stick to a disciplinary plan with your kids as a unit—different tactics will only cause fights. Every time.

  15. Put some money towards the “parental units”–You deserve too. It’s ok. Go enjoy a 350 dollar date night just because and worry about the financial concern later. Sometimes, just doing, is better than saying “But I can’t for this reason”, because just like never being ready to have kids, you will always find a reason why you can’t do something.

 

Be true, be you.

 

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