Uplifting and comical…a look at my life, motherhood and the circus that goes with it


Ya know the first half second after you push your child out through something the size of a yellow onion …..or after your child has been ripped out between your stomach muscles and fat, while strapped to a table…and you are terrified that your baby is going to be ugly? Yea, that’s how I feel every year my husband opens up his birthday gift. It’s mortifying. I seem to fail every year on this task and every year it seems I’m birthing ugly babies. I don’t get it. I’m a chic; therefore, should immediately have internal sense on what perfect gifting means.

 I don’t. I have no clue, but maybe its just because I have a couple of things against me in the process before it even begins. Like for example, how do you buy someone a gift, say it’s from you, but you got out of your car, went to the ATM, went into your joint checking account that you contribute less than 25% to (sometimes 0%), go to the store, buy something you think he wants (but really you want) with his money and say Happy Birthday!

 Because anything he really wants, he typically buys himself, leaving me with nothing but a basket full of “little things he loves” all for under $10.00, but isn’t it about the sentimental value? Um…not exactly. He would likely settle for a night out at the movies, than a Caramello chocolate bar at this point. (2011 fail). Process of elimination I guess.

 But if I were to buy him something awesome (with his money), then how do you hide it on the banking website. It says right there…”THIS IS WHAT YOUR WIFE BOUGHT YOU” right under the amount of (undisclosed monies)…that requires a babysitter as well for an overnight trip in another city that he has to drive you both to. How relaxing..(and ungodly expensive), not to mention he has to travel that weekend for work and you had no idea. “Hi, I’d like to cancel a reservation please.”

 So maybe you decide that a dinner or a surprise party is the best option because after buying 8 items of clothes (with his money) that were all what Christie Brinkley would wear instead and had to return them. A surprise party?…only if you do it right. According to the surprise party manual guide, making the “surprisee” work four hours prior to, at his mother-in-law’s house does not make it all better when the outcome is a celebration with all of his friends. (insert spiritual advice: If you have to do the wrong thing to get to the right thing, it was never the right thing.) Dinner? Take it from me, don’t be the one that ends up drunk and driven home by them on their birthday. Stay sober.

 And as we head into next week when he turns the ripe age of “Still got it honey”, I am finally off the hook this year because we have found the answer that solves all problems. Billy Joel. Who would have thought “for the longest time” all he wanted was a trip back into the 80s. If I would have known this years ago, I would have put that crimper to use and made it a night to remember….but sometimes things just don’t come as easy as you want. So when I said “honey, I feel bad that you went out and bought your own gift, that just doesn’t seem right. I wish I made more money to do these things.” He says, “Honey, I love you ‘just the way that you are.’”

 (Taking next year’s suggestions 🙂 )

 Be true, be you and don’t forget to gift the best gift of all on this Valentine’s Day (Wink wink)





  1. This was hilarious. Been there, more than once, Actually am there, if I’m jobless come May…


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