Uplifting and comical…a look at my life, motherhood and the circus that goes with it

Let me start by saying that the most vulnerable you will ever feel is when your child finds you, your“girls” out and her “wicked stepsister” as well, soaking in a …..Image…….bathtub. You are screwed. There is no shower curtain to hide behind, so its different than a shower when they may slightly open it, and you then being able to snap it shut as quickly as possible, so they only get a glimpse . I’ll tell you why it gets even creepier…they can’t stop looking at you. They are grossed out, possibly trying to cover their eyes, but still peaking through like a peeping Tom because they are curious. You try to cover the ladies, with one hand and the sacred place with the other, but find that 5 fingers will not cover two ant hills, or a piece of french toast. They want to look, they can’t stop looking and you can’t pretend that you are not laying there with your boobs floating on top of the water like Lilypads.  So at this point you have three options…you can continue to lay there just so, you can turn over where now they are staring at your butt, or you can jump out of the tub like a naked recluse and grab a towel, but its too late. They’ve had longer than 2 seconds to judge you, so now they want to talk about it.
“What are those dangly things mommy?” “Where’s your penis, mommy?” “Do you pee out of your butt, Mommy?” …and so on.

These are the reasons why getting discovered in a bathtub is the most vulnerable you will ever feel. And of course it is always on the nights when you decide on a bath once out of 12 months of the year that they decide to get out of their beds to tell you that there is a scary light thing on their closet door.

Boundaries…Where the hell did they go? Are they gone once you start being a parent? Is it our fault? It is so cute when your little infant sucks on your shoulder or on your fingers…fast forward 3+ years and they can walk to do it, making it not so cute, but borderline Children services knocking on your door? Boundaries…Seriously though, at what point do we start telling them to stop watching us pee? You can’t wait too long because it will become just as routine as leaving their dirty clothes on the floor….i don’t get it, but for some reason the thought of having to wait patiently on the other side of a closed door is even worse to them. They will except the role as bathroom bodyguard instead.

Don’t think that they won’t remember either what your “dangly” things look like because my mom still tells me to the day that she used to tug on her dad’s goods when she was like 2 and say “ding dong”. (sorry mom, love you:)..I don’t know which one I’m more disturbed by…hearing the story or that it happened…Cover up people, it could happen to you.

We teach the boundaries, right? We go around slapping and squeezing their little tooshes. Such cute little bums, we say. All fun and games until the tables are turned and you bring your child to the…Image …office for a visit and they slap your ass, like you’ve been bad on Sunday in front of your boss. Unfortunately for them, our tooshes are not as cute as theirs, nor will they ever be.

But who wants to stop love tapping those cute little two year old bums…nobody So, we cannot be surprised when we bend over and they take the opportunity to lay one on us and laugh. NO slapping my butt!, we yell and they laugh that you said “butt”, and all credibility goes away once again.

But going back, we could potentially be the problem. When we are crying and screaming about space and privacy and why can’t we just freakin pee by ourselves, we kind of gave up boundaries for ourselves immediately after having them. After being sprawled out on a birthing table, gynecologists are easier than a first grade kickball game (Whatever, they’ve seen all kinds of vaginas)..It’s easier to put ourselves in uncomfortable situations without a thought, and we have no shame going to the beach with legs that we forgot to shave because we consider it extra UV protection…However, boundaries can really be crossed and in here, lies a story…and

….I could possibly lose a few friends over this. I was pregnant with my middle daughter and had the stomach virus. I was so sick, which was causing me to have contractions, so I had to go to the hospital. Unfortunately, for the hospital staff, I thought it was a good idea to put a diaper on me for the way there. Well, never thinking that anyone would see this (never thinking that)…they UN-robed me right there, only to find a …..Image…..Huggies underneath a leopard thong. True story…they might make a movie out of it because it was so tragic. …for everyone….(Please do not in-box me for further details).

Also, let’s not forget the boundaries in our marriages that our children witness each and every day. Married couples will fart and burp in front of each other all the time. They will pick their nose and smell their ear wax, without even a thought that possibly the other DOESN’T want to see or hear it. ( Sometimes they, too, will even poop with the door open. (DISCLAIMER, my husband not included)…So why are our kids any different? Aren’t we being hypocritical to yell at them for doing the same?

Listen, kids are curious and kids want to understand what they don’t (just like I want to know why grown adults still pick their nose)..We can’t blame them. They look up to us and just want to know about all the things that we do, without missing a beat. They push buttons and push the rules, and apparently occasionally, grope us, (DISCLAIMER AGAIN…WILL ENFORCE DISCIPLINE IN THESE SITUATIONS)…We do; however need to be the example to enforce that appropriate behavior should occur at appropriate times. You can’t wear a tube top to a preschool party (or probably not in your 30s…just saying) but, if you must, a beach would be a better choice. And, if you feel like pooping with the door open when no one is around, so be it. Live a little…but live it appropriately. Perhaps boundaries are just doing the right thing at the right time with the right people??? Let’s figure it out together. (Or am I the only person this happens to…..seriously though…I’m not, right…seriously)

Be true, be you and LIVE LIKE NO ONE IS LOOKING.


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