The season has arrived. The fantasy football league for moms where performance matters and the battling begins. Halloween is less than two weeks away and the pressure is cooking. The emails are being sent out, the duties are being delegated and the cut-throat competition of whose brought the cutest idea to the plate is looming. It’s more pressure than naming your first born.
I carry less than half of these qualities, yet every year, I am the one that is bulldozing the other moms, using their purses as flags in a flag football league so that I can be the first to sign up for these things. Since I lack any leadership or research quality, it’s no wonder why I panic when the duty list gets sent out on whose doing craft, game or snack. It’s like trying to do the alphabet backwards after getting pulled over for drinking and you are like,. “:UGH! Why can’t I do this!” (Uh, not that that has ever happened before…uh…)…
However, after doing this for five years now, things have gotten a little better. I no longer show up to the parties wearing black tight pants, boots and a Madonna cross around my neck while the other moms have candy corn earrings in their ears. But, it has definitely been a trial and error process. I get so jealous of those who just “get the concept”. You know the ones–The ones who show up with the cutest cupcakes ever or the game that all the children are like. “This Is the best ever!”…
For me, every year seema to arise with a new issue, and it isn’t like the Internet helps much either with grandiose ideas. When my eldest was in first grade, I was assigned “games” in which I had no clue what game to do on my own, so I went to the Internet. I uncovered a fantastic idea to place the children into groups with one roll of toilet paper each. They are to wrap an elected “soon to be mummy child” in a race with the toilet paper as fast as they can to finish first. Well, long story short, there was a child screaming like they were being smothered only to look over and the first graders had wrapped the toilet paper around the kid’s throat, mouth and nose. My cost effective, simplistic Internet idea became a death trap, and, I, ruled as incompetent. (I’ve decided to stick with ring toss ONLY now).
Another year I was assigned Craft. Well, you must have thought that I was told to write a thesis or was expected to be able to swipe my debit card correctly in the debit machine at Walgreens finally. This was definitely not my territory. So, after giving up on the Internet and then deciding to browse at Walmart, I came across a ghost making kit! Perfect! All the children had to do was crumble the paper for the head, putting a white baggie over it and tie a twistie tie around its neck! No Problem! I had never seen a group of second graders that could not crumble a piece of paper into a ball. All the heads looked like Stewie from Family Guy., only for them to give up and not even want to do it at all. (paper people! Its just freakin paper! Why don’t you guys say the alphabet backwards alright!!!) (Here’s me lacking Homeroom mom patience)
Or, nothing is worse than being assigned a snack and then another homeroom mom also brings in a snack because they “found the cutest idea on pinterest” which makes your chocolate chip cookies look like asparagus. So, now you have no job at the party but to stand there and eat ALL of the chocolate chip cookies because now you are depressed.
This year, the quest for duties just involved me dressing up in a costume for my son’s preschool Halloween party. This is a new development for me, since we just moved into a new neighborhood and new preschool. So, the almost suffocation of a child, or world’s ugliest ghost making contest takes a back seat to finding an appropriate Halloween costume that doesn’t’ involve me being a crayon or a witch. I could not be a black cat or any type of animal that involves a tail due to my yearly scouting of the furry convention in downtown Pittsburgh. (no judgment involved)…However, an Anthrocon for Halloween is not what I am shooting for.
My other options included a slutty cheerleader, playboy bunny, French maid, naughty nun and devil with full thong in view, or a naughty girl scout (which proudly still sits in my closet as I live in the past). I mean its not like I can wear these things and just plug on the candy corn earrings to make it all better. So, whats a girl to do? When in doubt, be a ladybug. I can still wear tight clothing because all private parts are covered and all I have to do is throw some wings on and call it a day. I call that a victory.
But really, isn’t this just all for the kids at the end of the day? Why are we trying to outdo others and be the best at it than anyone else. Let us stop being insecure or tyrants for these parties. We are equal damn it. After all, kids would rather play with laundry baskets and Tupperware containers over a toy anymore (but they will still make you buy them constantly). Kids are just as happy with the smallest of things, so stop trying to kill yourself routing through pinterest and draining the bank account for an idea that lasts for 2 seconds of your life. Its supposed to be fun, not a contest. Just don’t show up in a slutty costume or candy corn earrings and you will be all good to go girlfriend. (this includes dads as well).
Be True, be you and stop the craziness.